Untitled

THE MOST RELAXING MUSIC IMAGINABLE (by PositiveChillout)

System Of A Down - Lonely Day (by systemofadownVEVO)

Roll Over

Back on Sunday I rolled my car due to a deer jumping I think with in less then 5 feet from the hood of my car.  Yes some might say “I would have hit the deer”  But you were not there!!!  Who knows what you will do faced with a similer situation!!  Traing says to hit the animal.  But untill you come across the same situation you wont know how you will respond till it happens!!!

What ever the case my point tonight is that I am feeling guilty for not being able to make it work tomorrow again.  It will be day 3 tomorrow that Im off

To start off.  As some are aware I drive truck for a living.  Well today I had to go have my phone looked at becasue of rolling my car.  Im thankful that I have had help in this situation.  What ever the case I got behind the wheel for the first time since sunday by myself.  It was unnerving to say the least. 

With that said.  I dont think Im ready yet to take an 80 000 gross weight truck on the road yet.  I was scared in just a 4 door sedan this afternoon. 

I say that because I dont want to be that driver that takes your family and friends out because he couldnt handle himself in his rig. 

Safty in other words

But I feel so guilty for calling in again. 

Beside not being sure enough behind the wheel I still need to go the bank and some details with my insurance. 

I hit this shit!!!

I have that feeling that some how things are in a bad way.  I hate that!   I wish that I could be comfortable here at work.  I want confidance that what Im doing is the right and proper way.  I dont like how my mind, dispite trying to change it, makes me feel these bad feelings.  I know very well that my load is totaly tight and wont come off.  But the feeling says I have failed.   I hate that.  Some days I wish I was still driving for Battlefield.  That stuff was easy and I never worried like I do here. 

Im going to have a nervous twitch one day lol due to this lol

Why do I let fear and worry control my mind as a driver!? I know what Im doing! Everything is chained and straped well. Its not going to come off. Im not going to roll. I drive safe. Yes every load rides different and requires safty. I know that rushing only leads to bad ends!! My dispatch is good that they dont push. They would rather see the load make to the client. For me that allows me to drive safe and not rush. Every other private driver on the road can move around me! Im not going to rush just because you need to be somewhere your not. Im where I need to be. Im a truck I drive slower and move slower due to my size. So dont honk and get pissy with me. Just remebere I affect your life directly and indirectly. So Im going to take my time. Also so that I dont hurt or kill your famly and friends

I relize that I have vented here a number of times. Well I have tryed the last few days to really relax. I feel that its working. Ive been told that I expect to much from my self to fast. Im still learning a ton with my career as a driver. I know a couple drivers but they are not always around to answer questions. Plus we all work for different companys.

So today I was in a situation of having to back a trailer into an area that I did not like. Having reminded myself to stay calm I managed to get in. It took 3 moves to do it but I managed to do it. 3 times is not bad at all. Past experince says thats around normal.

Im rather poud of my self and feeling more confident. Plus when I backed the trailer in the yard I had one general back then a second to make room. So Ive done well

Why do I worry so much!? Yes it comes from genetics. Im tired of it!!! This is no way to live!!! Part of it is anger too. Im mad at myself. I hate that my marrige ended so short. I hate that I am single too still. Everyone around me has someone. Part of it is Im jelous. Thats not right or fair to friends and family! I know that I still havent figured out why my ex left. I cant move on from that point of my life because I havent learned from it yet!! I need to learn so that if I ever have a long term relationship again I have a better idea on how to be a better man for her! I wish I could see the problem. According to my ex it is very clear! But I dont see it.

Blah I hate mornings like this!!! I wish life were simpler!!!

Okay. So Im looking for a woman that is atleast 30 and no more then 35. Avg height. Thin. Burnette with long hair. She (I only use “she” because I havent met her yet) must accept Gerrit and Mason! Easy on the eyes and a personility to match. A nice set of breasts would be great along with a kick ass figure.

This looks as if Im looking for the physicl. I also would like her to be smart and intelligent. Along with some post secondary education.

I wonder where I can find the physical end of what my minds eye sees. It will be great to meet her! And soon I hope

I have come to the conclusion that I feel now I am sure of the type of woman I need to be looking for. With the help of a good Lady friend and a female shipper.

A couple days ago I met a female shipper that had a similer figure to my female friend. It answered a ton of questions I had about who the next possable Mrs. Kooistra is. Also a memorie of a past crush came up. All 3 are similer!

It sure is nice to have a direction! Now I just need to figure out who this woman is

I need to admit that some loads I carry really scare the shit out of me. I hate that. The worry doubt and fear really suck! The up side my dispatch will help in regards to routeing me the right way if Im too tall. But yet I still worry